INFEASIBLE: Hats with all kinds of colorful crap going on
Christian Audigier Men’s City of Angels Hat – White
(From Front StyleRocket)
First: I’M ALIVE! THANK YOU FOR READING STILL, READERS!
Now, down to business: Hats are never, ever the first thing you want people to notice about you. These days (yes, they used to be a fashion statement in the 1800’s), one uses hats for primarily functional purposes: to keep one’s head warm, to mask a bad hairline (don’t do this though), to focus others’ eyes on the FACE versus hair or ears.
Obviously then, Christian Audigier is doing something grievous by selling people junk like the above piece. Yes, psychedelic colored items is fun in concept (when high), but so is Learyean enlightment theory. Chris, please stop doing acid and thinking you’re cool enough to play with the designers who have real insights, k? Wonderful. Moving on…
Feasible: Faux-combat hats in gray, black, and dark blue
Linen Combat Cap-Grey
(Brought to you by Buy.com)
Be wary with combat hats, as with all hats. This piece is very simple and fits nicely on the top of one’s head without covering the face. MAYBE if you’re jet enough you could don a (just one) pin of your favorite indietronica or hipster band on the side, but otherwise leave as is. Also, no facial hair with this.
INFEASIBLE: Straw cowboy hats
(From Hat Country)
Hats are another sticky topic: some people, yours truly included, can never pass off a hat. And frankly, I haven’t figured out why just yet and instead just work off of intuition. That being said, straw cowboy hats are disasterous and usually shoddy items that invoke images of a sweaty hick rather than John Wayne.
Feasible: Short-rim cadet cap
(Brought to you by TeeShirtsRock.com)
If you’re someone that can pull off a hat, then more than likely a short-rim cap like the one above would work for you. The lesson to be learned here is that, unlike other accessories (e.g. rings, bracelets), hats are not meant to be extravagant.
INFEASIBLE: Driving caps with *crazy* colors
No one, including models, should ever wear something like this. Driving (or “cabby”) caps are silly to begin with, but then to go and make one consisting of a patchwork of a nauseating designs? The horror, J. Crew, THE HORROR.
Feasible: Corduroy hats
(Brought to you by Macy’s)
If you’re going to wear a cap, go corduroy. This one in particular looks good even on this android-looking fellow. And hell, if you’re feeling frisky, you could even throw a pin advertising your favorite band* on it. Totally ill, son.
*Weezer’s ok, but I do like the pin.
This Week’s Fuck-Up: Zac Efron
Hey Zac, yeah, umm…what’s going on? You feeling okay? You got a fever or something – hit the bong already today? ‘Cause you know, you’re wearing a pair of black Addidas running shorts and a pinkish top. Not the best combination, kind of makes my head hurt.
So, what’s in the tote bag? Nothing, eh? Well, umm, why carry it around then? ‘Cause right now you kind of look like a courier that just hopped out of bed and ran to deliver an package to that Aim center behind you in his pajamas. Also, in case you didn’t notice, it’s the summertime – no need for a winter hat. The only snow floating around appears to be coming from your nostrils…